Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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