Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
