I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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