If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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