He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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