I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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