i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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