My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
