the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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