Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
