You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
