I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
