I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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