When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
