I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
