You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
