Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
