Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
