You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
