jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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