I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
