hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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