Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
