Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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