i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
