I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
