I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
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I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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