Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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