I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
