I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
