There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
