I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
