you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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