Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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