how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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