$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
