I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Say something about gay babies.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
