he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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