Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
