Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
