we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
