you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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