I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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