I never want to see another naked old woman again.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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