You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
