I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
