Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
