and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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