If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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