I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am midnight drunk by noon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
