I'm so fucking centered right now
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
