Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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