Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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