I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
