its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
